I’m not the perfect parent, none of us are. And, it seems totally crazy to think I should make an amends to my children when I am not the alienator! After all, I am the “Chosen Parent”, or the Targeted Parent. I didn’t do anything wrong! Shouldn’t the Alienator be making an amends to my children for alienating us? News Flash-That is not going to happen. The Alienator believes they have done nothing wrong.
So why should I be making an amends or apologizing to my children for anything? Because we are human, we make mistakes, and there is probably something you did to your child that weren’t helpful, loving or kind. Sometimes these things are rather small or insignificant, but sometimes they are more significant. Regardless of what you did to your child, and how bad it was, the Alienator is probably taking full advantage of your weakness and failings, making them more horrifying than they really are. You should NEVER apologize for something you did not do. You can say “Let me be clear, I did not do that”. If it is twisted truth you can be brief and say “What I did do is……”.
This is the time to examine yourself and where you have fallen short. This may take some time and effort. Think about how you could have done things better as a parent, what you could have done differently. For your failures as a parent, you need to make an amends to your child. Making amends is saying “I regret my behavior or actions and I won’t do it again”. Sometimes making an amends requires you to act- to right a wrong.
You shouldn’t skip this step. Making amends to your child will go a very long way in moving your relationship forward. Sometimes the progress is immediate, and sometimes it is slower, depending on where you are with them in recovery.